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If Carlsberg made jokes these would be the best jokes in the world!

 

Three tortoises, Jonc, Loyal & True and Craig, decide to go on a picnic. So Jonc packs the picnic basket with beer and sandwiches. The trouble is the picnic site is ten miles away so it takes them ten days to get there.

 

When they get there Jon unpacks the food and beer. "Ok Loyal & True Give me the bottle opener."

 

"I didn't bring it," says Loyal & True. "I thought you packed it."

 

Jonc gets worried, He turns to Craig, "Did you bring the bottle opener??"

 

Naturally Craig didn't bring it. So they're stuck ten miles from Home without a bottle opener. Jonc and Craig beg L&T to go back for It, but he refuses as he says they will eat all the sandwiches.

 

After two hours, and after they have sworn on their tortoise Lives that they will not eat the sandwiches, he finally agrees. So L&T sets off down the road at a steady pace.

 

Twenty days pass and he still isn't back and Jonc and Craig are starving, but a promise is a promise.

 

Another five days and he still isn't back, but a promise is a promise. Finally they can't take it any longer so they take out a Sandwich each, and just as they are about to eat it, L&T pops up from behind a rock and shouts........

 

"Ha ha, i fuckin knew yous would eat them if i went away.......i'm not going."

 

Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer when he hears a knock at the door. When he opens it, he is confronted by a ittle Japanese man, clutching a clip board and yelling,

 

"You Sign! You sign!"

 

Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts. Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Japanese man starts to yell louder,

 

"You Sign! You sign!"

 

Nelson says to him, "Look, you've obviously got the wrong man", and shuts the door in his face.

 

The next day he hears a knock at the door again.

 

When he opens it, the little Japanese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads. He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling,

 

"You sign! You sign!"

 

Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes the little Japanese man back, shouting: "Look, go away! You've got the wrong man. I don't want them!"

 

Then he slams the door in his face again.

 

The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again. On opening the door, there is the same little Japanese man thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting,

 

"You sign! You sign!"

 

Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts. This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little man by his shirt front and yells at him: "Look, I don't want these! Do you understand?

 

You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?"

 

The little Japanese man looks very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says

"You not Nissan Main Deala?"

 

Red road surface and tarmac road surface were sitting in a bar having a drink, just relaxing, when concrete road surface walked in. Concrete had a reputation for being a bit hard, and walked right up to red road surface and said "buy me a pint", red road surface was sick of being bullied by concrete so just sits there ignorning him. Concrete says again "haw you, im talking to you, buy me a pint" to which red road surface says "no, buy your own fucking pint"

Concrete grabs red road surface and drags him outside, the two of them start fighting, and surprise surprise red road surface actually beats concrete up! Red road surface goes back into the pub, being a bit of a hero and tarmac buys him a pint "well done wee man, you showed him"

 

The next night, red road surface and tarmac were in the bar again having a couple of drinks, and who should walk in but concrete road surface and one of his mates. Red road surace sees them, and dives under the table. Tarmac looks under the table "whats up with you?? thats only concrete, you kicked his cunt in last night!!"

 

Red road surface, looks up petrified, "i know......but look whos with

him!"

 

Tarmac says "green road surface? so what"

 

Red road surface says "you dont know green road surface????? hes a

FECKING CYCLEPATH!!!!"

 

Guy spends ages thinking of the ideal gift for his wife for their wedding anniversary, he finds a shop selling the very thing and has the shop assistant gift wrap it nicely.

 

He takes it home and hands over the gift, wife opens it and is horrified “whit the fucks this, it’s a self lubricating vagina”!? she says. “Aye” replies her husband “teach it to cook and fuck off”.

 

Fella walks into a bar, orders a pint of Whitbread, then goes to the loo, leaving the pint on the counter. When he was in there, a woman walks in, takes a look at his pint, farts in it, then sits in the corner with her rum and coke. So the guy comes out of the loo, takes a sip of his drink, spits it out and says to the barman "Barman, that is the worst pint I have ever tasted, your taps are rotten". ANd the barman says "It's not the pint mate, see that bird in the corner, she farted in it when you were in the lav". So he goes up to confront her, and says "Excuse me darling, you fart in my Whitbread" and she says....

 

"Nah, I'm Tessa Sanderson".

 

:D

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