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Few jokes to Brighten your day

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The latest club craze is to fill a woman's vagina with vodka and then suck it out using a straw. Doctors are warning about the dangers of minge drinking


A farmer in Devon has made history by growing a field of dildos! Unfortunately he's had a lot of trouble with squatters!


85% of Liverpudlian males say they enjoy sex in the shower........ The other 15% haven't been to prison yet


I'm really p*ssed off! Someone's just crashed into my car in one of them new Skodas. There's f.......g jam and sponge everywhere!


Bastards! Just been thrown out & barred from the local swimming baths because I had my Speedo trunks on! What I didn't know was the 'S' had come off the logo!!


Just bought a racehorse called 'My Face', It may not be any good but I can't wait to hear all the women in the crowd screaming 'come on .. .My face


I've just been 2 my first Muslim birthday party! Musical chairs was a bit slow but f*ck me pass the parcel was fast!


I dunno what all the fuss is about this shark coming to Cornwall . It's the first thing in ages that's tried to get in this country that's f*cking white !!


2 Irish couples decide to swap partners. Afterwards Paddy said to Murphy that's the best f*ck I've ever had, I wonder how the girls got on ?


If mothers Celebrate mothers day, fathers celebrate fathers day, lovers celebrate valentines day, do wankers celebrate palm sunday?


Paddy weighs 20st, so his doctor puts him on a diet. 'I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day and repeat this for 2 weeks, you should loose 5lbs.' When Paddy returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost 4st. 'That?s amazing the doc said'...Paddy nodded...'I'll tell you be Jesus, I taut I was gonna drop dead by da 3rd day.' 'What from hunger said the doc?'...'No from the f........g skipping!'




Just popped home, caught the plumber with his dick in the dog! Can't believe the police won't do anything! They said the b*stard was corgi registered


Are you available to come to a charity pancake competition on Shrove Tuesday? The organisers have the pans and the ingredients they just need a tosser.

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The 1st Affair


A married man was having an affair

with his secretary.


One day they went to her place

and made love all afternoon.


Exhausted, they fell asleep

and woke up at 8 PM.


The man hurriedly dressed

and told his lover to take his shoes

outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.


He put on his shoes and drove home.


'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.


'I can't lie to you,' he replied,


'I'm having an affair with my secretary.

We had sex all afternoon.'


She looked down at his shoes and said:


'You lying bastard!

You've been playing golf!'






The 2nd Affair


A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters

but always talked about having a son.


They decided to try one last time

for the son they always wanted.


The wife got pregnant

and delivered a healthy baby boy.


The joyful father rushed to the nursery

to see his new son.


He was horrified at the ugliest child

he had ever seen.


He told his wife: 'There's no way I can

be the father of this baby.

Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!

Have you been fooling around behind my back?'


The wife smiled sweetly and replied:

'No, not this time!'





The 3rd Affair


A mortician was working late one night.


He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz,

about to be cremated,

and made a startling discovery.

Schwartz had the largest private part

he had ever seen!


'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician

commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated

with such an impressive private part.

It must be saved for posterity.'


So, he removed it,

stuffed it into his briefcase,

and took it home.


'I have something to show

you won't believe,' he said to his wife,

opening his briefcase.


'My God!' the wife exclaimed,

'Schwartz is dead!'





The 4th Affair


A woman was in bed with her lover

when she heard her husband

opening the front door.


'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'


She rubbed baby oil all over him,

then dusted him with talcum powder.


'Don't move until I tell you,'

she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.'


'What's this?' the husband inquired

as he entered the room.


'Oh it's a statue,' she replied.

'The Smiths bought one and I liked it

so I got one for us, too.'


No more was said,

not even when they went to bed.


Around 2 AM the husband got up,

went to the kitchen and returned

with a sandwich and a beer.


'Here,' he said to the statue, have this.

I stood like that for two days at the Smiths

and nobody offered me a damned thing.'





The 5th Affair


A man walked into a cafe,

went to the bar and ordered a beer.


'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'


'One Cent?' the man exclaimed.


He glanced at the menu and asked:

'How much for a nice juicy steak

and a bottle of wine?'


'A nickel,' the barman replied.


'A nickel?' exclaimed the man.

'Where's the guy who owns this place?'


The bartender replied:

'Upstairs, with my wife.'


The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs

with your wife?'


The bartender replied:

'The same thing I'm doing

to his business down here.'





The 6th Affair


Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.


He looked up and said weakly:

'I have something I must confess.'


'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.


'No,' he ins isted,

'I want to die in peace.

I slept with your sister, your best friend,

her best friend, and your mother!'


'I know,' she replied.

'Now just rest and let the poison work.'

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