A wee "Biblical" Story From the Bookof Trophies Ch 54 v 1-38

[Kenzie1 0]

Today�s reading comes from the book of Trophies chapter 54 verses 1 to 38.

 

 

1. Tis the season�s end in the year of our Lord 2011

 

2. And it came to pass, that once more, the leader of The Timmites found himself at the gates of the kingdom of our Lord. Leh�none, for it is he, chosen amongst his hordes to lead them out of the wilderness and into the Promised land.

 

3. For they are delirious and misguided and sons of the fools of Erin.

 

4. Though many could nay point at the place on a school map.

 

5. Verily did Leh�none beat upon the gilded door of the Kingdom and waited for his audience with the Lord.

 

6. In time, after leisure and several sherbets did the Lord open the window of the door to his Kingdom and bade the caller to

reveal his identity and his purpose.

 

7. Leh�none cowered in his cloak of green nylon and spaketh to the Lord his request.

 

8. I come, Lord, as leader of the Timmites and ask that thee grant us entry to the Kingdom of the Lord and the trophy of the league known as Espeeyell.

 

9. The Lord, furrowed his brow in anger and didst raise his voice at Leh�none.

 

10. Not once but thrice now have Timmites come to these gates these past 3 seasons to request the trophy of the league known as Espeeyell.

 

11. And twice before I have sent thee away empty handed. This temerity to ask once more has angered me beyond belief.

 

12. For thrice I tell thee that the there is no place in the Kingdom of the Lord and certainly no trophy hast thou merited this season either.

 

13. Leh�none, not deterred.did demand that the Lord taketh into account that the Timmites are the only right and just tribe to be awarded the league trophy of the Espeeyell.

 

14. Leh�none didst tell the Lord that all the other tribes in the land hath plot against the Timmites who were gentle and kind and good subjects and that the rest of the tribes, needest to look at themselves and not the Timmites.

 

15. Leh�none didst also say that the Ibrox were the worst of all tribes and that their sort included evil doers like Diouf of el Hadj and Lafferty of Kyle.

 

16. The Lord�s voice was now thunderous and anger and smoke spilled from his lips like the lava from an Icelandic volcano.

 

17. Thou hast the temper of a cat with its testicles in a vice, Leh�none. Thou hast the brain of a mollusc on eccies. Thy people have chosen thee well. I will concede that thee are a true representative of thine tribe.

 

18. But did I not send the Angel Walter down 20 seasons ago to smite thee and teacheth thy Timmite hordes a lesson?

 

19. Didst thou not learn then?

 

20. Did I not also send the Angel Gabriel of Amato down to teacheth thee a sound lesson as to thine place in the hierarchy of tribes?

 

21. Though hast to learn that the Timmites are the lowest of all Tribes and should never have ambition to reach exalted ground.

 

22. For verily I sent the Angel Walter down a second time and still thou est will not learn that ye cannot walk upon Walter.

 

23. For the Angel Walter has taken the trophy of the Espeeyell thrice in a row and to prove my point I have restricted the Ibroxi Tribe�s resources to zero. And still they thrash you like a dominatrix does a high court judge.

 

24. And Leh�none fell to his knees, cupping his hands to his ears. Intent once more to refuse to hear the words of wisdom from the Lord or his chosen people the Ibroxi.

 

25. The Lord looked down upon Leh�none as a tiger to his fallen prey.

 

26. I am merciful Leh�none. Have I not allowed the Timmites to reach 42 leagues and to dwell like pikeys in the wilderness?

 

27. Thou must always lag the Ibroxi, for it is written, they have reached 54 leagues and yea, still they are marching and counting.

 

28. Leh�none was defeated. But he believed he may have but one chance to enter the Kingdom of the Lord with a trophy.

 

29. And as Leh�none was about to leave the gates of the Kingdom of the Lord to re-join his hordes of Timmites in the City of Breezeblock the Lord called after him.

 

30. And don�t think that thy will victor as yea taketh thine horde to the Well:- The Mother of all wells, for there is no trophy there that ye will claim. That trophy will be saved for the McCall of Stuart and his people for they have served me well.

 

31. Thou are but a git of sadness Leh�none, be gone with you.

 

32. Leh�none was angered by his failure once more and didst kick the water bottles that had lain beside the gates for travellers to quench their thirst.

 

33. The Lord closed the window of the door of the gates of the Kingdom and returneth to his throne once more to hark the angels recite the Penny Arcade.

 

34. And lo, Leh�none, totally lacking in gorm didst return to the city of Breezeblock to inform his people that once more he had failed to bringeth them access to the Kingdom of the Lord and the trophy of the Espeeyell.

 

35. And the hordes of Timmites did listen to his whining and gathered in a huddle to decideth his fate.

 

36. The hordes didst agree with the Lord�s view that Leh�none was truly well chosen as a leader and representative of the Timmites

 

37. Then there came much wailing and gnashing of teeth and Leh�none was verily duffed up and left for the Wolves (after McCarthy gets the sack).

 

38. Here endeth the lesson

 

 

 

By kind permission of Eddy Smyth, a good Bluenose.

[pete 2,499]

And Lehââ?¬â?¢none shall come, and say: ââ?¬Å?Come, let us go up to the mountain of the LORD, to the house of the God of Walter, that he may teach us his ways and that we may walk in his paths. And the Lord sayeth "Fuck Off":smile:

[Guest Dutchy]

Fanfuckingtastic!!!!:D:D:D:D:D

 

Nearly enough to forget about atheism.

[Guest BillyMac]

thoroughly good read and had to laugh

[Jim1955 12]

Superb, really enjoyed that.