Leaderboard

John Nelms forks the Dens Park pitch with his tongue. John Nelms is a former US Navy submariner, he spent several years based at the Holy Loch. Continually diving too deep, enduring weeks of breathing each others' farts and, when they open the hatch you find yourself in a midge infested hell hole; it all has an effect. This Bubblehead's particular bubble is helium, have you heard him speak? John keeps his mouth open because he is attempting to equalise head pressure, a fortunate trait that Peter finds most convenient. John is happy to be compliant. According to John he fell in love with ra Sellik whilst moored in Argyll and when he returned to Scotland, fronting Texan millionaire, Tim Keyes investment he was anxious to follow his heart. Dundee were the club he utilised to beat his Yahoo desire. He proposed a Dundee - Sellik league fixture should be played Stateside on St Patrick's day, preferably in Boston. He voted twice by e-mail to secure Sellik's nine-in-a-row and muddied the waters by claiming spam folder happenstance that annoyed Partick Thistle, ICT, Stranraer and, Rangers. He created a scheme allowing Gordon Strachan to have dual roles at both Dundee and ra Sellik. John thinks both Neil Doncaster and Murdoch MacLennan are stand up guys and we can all look forward to the SPL investigation that will blame Sean Batty for getting the weather forecast wrong and fining Rangers because they turned up. Of course, Neil and Murdoch will take the line(s) thrown by Gang Hutter, Kheredine Idessane as the basis for the investigation. John Nelms grasped at his fellow Bhoy's buoys : You and your groundstaff have been here since five this morning forking the pitch? Another thirty minutes and this pitch would be playable? The last fixture was delayed for thirty minutes because Rangers arrived late(Kheredine fail failed to mention the crash on the Tay Bridge). The last fixture saw a further twenty minute delay because of pyro' being ignited within the Rangers support(banged to rights on this one). Kheredine did not confront John Nelms with information garnered from his interview with Philippe Clement : Rangers only found out there was a problem after 09.30 hrs because the club kitman had arrived at Dens to see Nelms and groundstaff forking the pitch. He was told they had called a local Ref' to undertake a 10.15hrs inspection. The game was the only senior professional match in the UK postponed over the weekend. Dens Park has hosted 16 league fixtures this season and four of them suffered postponement due to a waterlogged pitch. I will save the SPL the time and expense. Neil and Murdoch will say exactly what Peter tells them to say, just like John Nelms.

A fantastic Dundee team back in the day .

The Dundee climate stats compiled over 150 years tell us the city is sunnier(almost 1,500 hours of sunshine per annum). Glasgow has 1250 hours by comparison. Reference rain, Dundee is far drier averaging 8 days of precipitation during the month of March, the dear green place averages 12 days for the same month. Another aspect of Dundee weather is the drying wind/breeze constantly emanating from the silvery Tay. John Nelms gave Kheredine the patter on unexpected overnight millimeters but, it was deliberate interference. The reason he was forking the Dens Park pitch at five in the morning is because he and his Board took a decision NOT to fund the necessary installation of proper pitch drainage. Four postponements in one season because of a waterlogged pitch whereas, one hundred yards DOWN the road, Tannadice has been playable all season. John Nelms and Kheredine Idessane were both standing on the CONNING tower.

Tannadice is, and has always been, a dreadful surface too. Who knows, maybe bitterness and envy ain't good for the green stuff. It was funny listening to Stewart on sunday, trying to work out how he could blame this clusterfuck on Rangers.

Good move for Borna Barisic if true. Would be great to see him leave as a treble winner - been a good servant and value for the £1.5-£2M we spent on him.

Have been feeling a bit but now this has cheered me up no end thanks for posting it.💙

Outstanding

It's hard to know which Dundee team to dislike more these days. I've been told on a number of occasions that Dundee is much sunnier and drier than 'the west coast', perhaps they're just not used to rain...

Derek Dougan - Wolves and Northern Ireland. Sure he played in 1958 World Cup and helped Wolves to 1972 UEFA Cup Final

John Charles in his Juventus days

When people complain about female commentators, I presume they're including Liam McLeod because the annoying wee git speaks at a higher pitch than most women do.